Last month as I turned 62 I decided it is time for some reflection. My life has always drastically changed every 10 years, sometimes by choice and sometimes not. Since I feel another major life change coming around the corner, it’s time to take a look around.
In the past 30+ years I experienced several career changes, and while I loved my work, all my employers were crappy in how they treated me and others. I traveled, I stopped traveling to take care of my elderly parents, I witnessed both of my parents’ deaths. I retired after they died and just wanted to be able to 1) stop being forced to accept horrible people having power over me (and that applied to my family and personal relationships as well) and 2) stop having to force myself, for the first time in my life, to be someone other than who I am in order to deal with all of that.
As I went through my 50’s I set goals and got a master’s degree and joined several nonprofit boards. I became an activist and realized that most people who joined “the resistance” were like those they condemned and all had agendas beyond what they stated. It was kind of like the end of the Hunger Games when Katniss realizes the new regime’s goal is to only take the place of the old regime. I still fight for change but not as part of any the numerous organizations that email me constantly claiming they alone will save democracy if only I send them money.
Over the past twenty years I worked out with a personal trainer and did Pilates, cardio, weights, spin, kick boxing, regular boxing, yoga, ran 5Ks and did all kinds of things to deal with stress and stay in shape. This exercise did not allow me to overcome two major challenges to my health, both of which took years to figure out and diagnose. One was addressed successfully with medicine, the other with surgery. Now I walk and hike with my dogs and do some low impact You Tube videos to exercise. I actually have less pain and less stress on my body now that I am listening more and pushing less.
I am being a lot gentler with myself these days in many ways. For the first time in my life, I am allowing myself to be lazy. I always enjoyed being productive and getting shit done. But now I feel the finite nature of time and interestingly, rather than feeling panicked about that, I understand I need to sit back now and feel the quiet. I want to sit in my backyard with a cool drink and watch my dogs sleep and look at the flowers and feel the breeze.
I am disengaging from situations that do not allow me to feel the quiet and joy and satisfaction of what life can bring. For the first time, my calendar is not chock full and I get to pick and choose how I spend my time. So if you don’t see me around as much in the busy “Burbank” world, know that this is my choice and why that is.
I will still be on the nonprofit Boards and run my nonprofit and care passionately about what happens in my city and to others and will speak out about all of that. I will always care because that is simply who I am and how I am wired. I have always been the pot stirrer. The same pattern always happens – the powers that be like my outspokenness because they can pretend that change happens because of me and they don’t have to take responsibility if it goes wrong. But then when things don’t go wrong and actually get better and they look bad, well, they don’t like the pot stirrer anymore.
Does this mean I don’t want to keep giving back and making good things happen? Absolutely not, that is my passion and reason to be. But if you see me less around town, if I decline invites to events, it is because I want to enjoy the quiet, at least for a while. Because, as usual, I have no idea what is coming next.
7/10/23