After some thinking, I decided that I would select my future by looking back at my past. If I made choices through the years that allowed me to be who I am today, what other choices were available that were selected by people who I once knew? How did those choices work out for them? Can I learn from them, can I see what other paths are available that I have never been aware of or that I refused to consider?

Photo by Sage Friedman There was a family friend who was incredibly stubborn. He was elderly with many health problems and while he was a man of means and could afford any type of assistance, he refused any help. He demanded that the only person who would be allowed to care for him was his wife, who was also elderly. One night he got out of bed without asking for assistance. He fell, hit his head on a table and developed a brain bleed. He died not long after this. I told my dad, who was elderly also, that I would not allow him to be stubborn like this. If he needed help, he was going to get it. My father just looked at me and laughed. My father lived alone and was retired. He lived on frozen dinners and refused my request to sign him up for a fresh meal service. For years I told him over and over that he needed assistance and he refused, being just as stubborn as the family friend. My father was also a man of means and could afford assistance but still refused. Then, early one morning, while I was getting ready for work, my phone rang. It was my father. He had fallen during the night and was unable to move. While lying on the floor he was able to reach over to a table, pull the phone off the table and call me. I called out from work, drove over to his house, made sure he was stable and immediately called the paramedics. While I followed the ambulance to the emergency room, I was on the phone with a home health agency that I was familiar with and arranged for a caregiver to begin taking care of my father that evening and for permanent 24-hour attendants. As my father lay on a gurney in the hallway of the ER, I told him, with a pleasant and kind demeanor, that he had a choice. He could go to an assisted living facility or he could have 24-hour home care. I asked what he preferred, and he said the home care.   I think about these memories as I think about the tragic deaths of Gene Hackman and his wife Betsy Arakawa. Something struck me as more information was obtained and shared. They had both been dead for quite some time before their bodies were discovered by a security guard who saw them through a window. I thought, was there no housekeeper to help Betsy maintain the house? No one to help cook their meals or clean or do some shopping or handle any of the burden of caring for an elderly man with dementia? Alzheimer’s doesn’t just affect the brain; it causes deterioration of the entire body. Was Betsy handling his complex physical and healthcare needs plus caring for three dogs, one of which just had surgery? Betsy died of hantavirus which comes from exposure to rat droppings. Did she try to clean them by herself? She died around February 11th, he likely died on February 17th and it wasn’t until February 26th that a pest control worker came on a regularly scheduled visit and because he was unable to reach them, a security guard checked on them. When she became ill, why didn’t she seek treatment? I read these comments about Betsy in the media: “While speaking to the New York Times, Tom Allin, who had been friends with Hackman for around 20 years, insisted The French Connection star “seemed happy” to have his wife “run things” and take care of him. “She was very protective of him,” Allin told the outlet, adding that Hackman had said he probably would have died “long ago” without the care of his beloved wife, who looked after him and made sure he had a healthy diet.” Betsy was 65 years old and had lived with Gene since she was in her 20’s. Taking care of him was her life, according to friends and family. Was she unable to accept that things had changed and she couldn’t do that all by herself? Would sharing the burden meant that she was sacrificing part or all of her identity? Here is a comment by a physician to CNN: “It’s unclear whether Arakawa was his primary caregiver or if Hackman had other caregivers. If Arakawa was his principal caregiver, “she would be responsible for giving Mr. Hackman his medications, for cleaning him, for helping him to the bathroom and for feeding him,” Reiner said. With Arakawa’s sudden death, “one can see how, sadly, that could lead to his death,” he said.” We make choices. We believe that our choices are correct but sometimes they are made out of pride and fragility and stubbornness and result in tragedy.   I thought of a documentary I saw years ago about a woman who drove the wrong way on the Jersey Turnpike and caused 8 deaths including her own. The film asked why did this tragedy happen? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Trck8tVtYyo The filmmaker knows that there are no definitive answers, just like we won’t get final answers about what happened to Hackman and Arakawa. However, the portrait of Diane Schuler, the wrong way driver, shows a woman obsessed with being perfect in every way. She was the one whose kids were immaculate, who was perfect at work, who had the best dish at the pot luck every time and so on. The stress of pushing herself to maintain this standard caused her to self-medicate. When she had a tooth abscess that needed immediate attention, she decided she didn’t have the time to go to the dentist. Something in her life would then have been less than perfect and that was unacceptable. So, because of the dental pain, she took the self-medication to an unmonitored and dangerous level. And as she was driving the wrong way at 70 miles per hour with a minivan full of kids, one of the kids called her parent

Photo by arochman on Freeimages.com This is my first post since May 2024 and there are reasons for that. After I had finished everything involved in the CEO search that I ran this spring, I wanted to relax. But more than anything, I wanted to mentally and emotionally prepare for Trump to be reelected. Yes, I was one of those people who had no confidence that Biden would be reelected. I decided to spend my time focused on simple things like listening to music, doing needlepoint and learning Spanish on an app. It was my way to deal with the stress of the incoming disaster that I could see heading our way. I gave thanks for being retired and having the space to try to deal with this stress. When Biden stepped aside and Harris stepped in, it was like a jolt of adrenaline for me. I felt excited for the future. I looked for volunteer opportunities with the campaign and was recruited to be a moderator on the campaign Discord channel for volunteers. The job was greeting people who joined the channel and helping them find their way around and telling them how to get involved. There were 25,000 people already on the channel and I viewed this as a great way to help others and meet people. I became a “Mod” and it was fun. At least at first. A few weeks into it, the campaign leader for the channel told us all that we now had to push people into phone banking, that we ourselves had to run phone banks and we had to spend hours each week doing this. Every week the pressure placed on us grew and we were told to be to be aggressive in our tactics towards new volunteers. We kept being told “people like being told what to do” which raised the hair on the back of my neck. I also worked a phone bank and we were not warned that we would be calling Republicans in Georgia. The extreme abuse from those we spoke to was something the campaign should have prepared us for and to be thrown into that without any concern for the volunteers also alarmed me. We were pushed to call someone every minute and they kept track of our calls like we were on commission instead of being volunteers. The stress grew and the atmosphere felt like a boiler room out of Glengarry Glen Ross. I ended up getting sick and then resigning as a volunteer as I barely able to deal with this situation when I was well. I thought, I guess this is politics, it gets ruthless. I guess this is what is needed to win. But as we know now, it wasn’t. I have worked as a volunteer on political campaigns going back decades and I was never treated like that before and I see now it was a sign of things to come. The campaign was losing, they knew they were losing and they were desperate. Their desperation permeated their decisions, their interactions and then rippled to the farthest reaches and the most distant volunteers. It’s sad and perhaps in a different multiverse they would have been able to have a year or years, rather than 90 days, to run a campaign. But I know that I will never put myself in that situation again. As I said many years ago when I resigned a volunteer Board position, I would not allow myself to be treated this way as an employee, so I certainly won’t tolerate it as a volunteer. And now here we are. A country where the ruling class is infested with extreme corruption with no guardrails. It does feel like we are back in 2016 but there are some important differences this time around. In 2017 I wanted to be Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2, I wanted to take on the machines and be a warrior and win. I learned the landscape of activism and eventually found out who the grifters were (and many of them are back in large numbers for this next round). Last time we felt so desperate and thought a hero would come and save the day. “Help us Mueller!” was all over Facebook. Nope, that never happened. Those who are part of the establishment will not dismantle the establishment and not even when the crimes are clear as day (Merritt Garland is a good example of this). The Democratic candidates I met and talked with and supported in 2018 to flip Republican seats in Congress were elected. I then learned that in politics the first thing that happens to supporters like me after a victory is that we are immediately and purposefully pushed away and forgotten. But I did learn a lot from all that activism work and that helped me be confident enough to run for City Council in 2020. I learned a lot doing that as well (and no, not interested in ever doing that again). I learned more about the city I live in by running for office than I knew from the decades I had lived here. The election of Trump last time jumpstarted my personal evolution into who I am today. It pushed me out of my comfort zone and into situations where I grew and found I had skills I didn’t realize I had. The confidence I have today is a direct result of making the decision to not sit back and accept the cruelty, inhumanity and insanity that those four years would consist of. Here we are again. Again, we have an establishment that we cannot depend on to lessen the economic and social blows. That means we have to take care of each other. We have to be prepared in every way we can think of. It’s hard to imagine the worst-case scenarios but think of the ones we do know could happen: A pandemic without cure or end; crippling tariffs that raise the cost of

I spent the first four months of this year doing the most important thing I’ve ever done. Now, to be clear, up to this point I have felt that I have done a lot of important things. My career in evaluating medical malpractice cases meant I decided whether a case should go to trial or be settled. Those decisions affected many people’s lives in very significant ways and I always strove to make those decisions ethically and fairly. Those cases were never about how to save money, they were about doing the right thing and I was fortunate to work for people who had the same priority and values. My political activism has also been important although the results of that work can be difficult to gage as it takes so much time and so much repeating of effort to get that final result that also affects lives. My volunteer work has been important as well. This particular achievement, the one I am referring to, has been the most important project I have done as a volunteer. Two years ago, I became Board Chair of Valley Community Healthcare, a community clinic that provides no and low-cost healthcare to everyone regardless of ability to pay. VCH treats 20,000 – 30,000 patients of all ages every year. It has been serving the public in North Hollywood and North Hills for 54 years and in this time of political, social and economic uncertainty, VCH is a resource that is so crucial for our entire community. The CEO of VCH is retiring this summer and as Board Chair it was my responsibility to lead the search for her replacement. This process actually began last summer as I learned about how an executive search process works. It also meant conducting interviews with the help of a consultant of people who work at VCH, work with VCH, people who donate and volunteer and have all kinds of relationships with VCH. Because the most challenging portion of this search was going to be knowing not just who we could be searching for but exactly who we needed to be searching for. That could mean redefining the role of the VCH CEO. We needed the input of all these different people in order to do that. We needed someone who would not only embrace the mission of VCH, and have the skill set to successful manage a healthcare center, but also be able to create a future version that would withstand change and survive. Someone who had the vision – yeah “that vision thing” – to imagine what could be and not just see what is. To anticipate challenges and not just respond. As I progress through my 60’s I have gained the understanding that the world I grew up in and the world that existed through the first decades of my adulthood no longer exists. It is now a world that belongs to and is shaped by and should be determined by those much younger than me. And it was so crucial for me, as a leader, and for the Search Committee that I formed and the Board who made the hiring decision, to understand that this really was about deciding the future of this organization. It was not just finding someone to fill a job; it was much more than that. The challenges that this new CEO will face have yet to appear but the right person will be able to handle them in this 21st century world. So since January I have been working basically full time on this project. I wasn’t alone, thankfully, I had a consultant to help guide and a fantastic search firm who did an amazing job. We had almost 500 people from around the country apply for the job when the job was posted at the beginning of the year. And then we narrowed and narrowed and narrowed. We had 3 finalists who were wonderful and qualified and it was a dilemma – each of them made the decision so very hard. Yet a decision had to be made and we made it as a group, confidently and with sensitivity, objectivity and dedication to what was possible for VCH now and going forward. And I know that tens of thousands of people now in 2024, and then their children, and then even their grandchildren, will have access to healthcare that will save and change and improve their lives. I played a major role in making this happen. I hope my work to create the beginning of a great future for VCH benefits not just VCH but also all those in the San Fernando Valley who are in need, those who would not otherwise have access to healthcare. Because that’s all that matters. I wrote recently here about how legacies are overrated. But I feel my work on this search and its successful outcome is my legacy. This is one that makes all the different to thousands of people who will never know anything about me and the role I played in their lives. And that suits me just fine. 5/6/24  

When I was a child there was a strip mall at the corner of Westwood Blvd and Pico Blvd in West LA which was a unique thing in the 60’s and 70’s. That strip mall was where my family spent a lot of time – we bought groceries at Vons, shopped at May Co, ate at Manning’s Cafeteria, and went to the Newberry’s, Sav On, small clothing store and bookstore. We saw movies at the glorious Pickwood Theater. There was a Blue Chip Stamps Redemption Center (google it). Our family optometrist was in that mall. When Dr. Feigenbaum told us that the strip mall would be torn down to make an indoor mall, we were so excited when he said it would include a Nordstrom. https://youtu.be/FlZDrisA3Q4?si=pvnBuIJik80hINyC Here is the wonderful “LA in a minute” to give a history of the Westside Pavilion Westside Pavilion was great – lots of shopping and good restaurants to choose from. But like most malls it eventually began to die. The stores and restaurants closed and there was no longer any reason to go. It was going to become offices like the Sherman Oaks Galleria, but that didn’t happen. Now UCLA is buying it. And then I guess we will see what happens after that. But that place is not where I spent part of my childhood. It is a different place and has been for quite a while. I realized recently that I was an extremely sentimental person. I say “was” because this realization included the understanding that being sentimental is not necessarily a good thing. I hung on to relationships based on memories of past interactions rather than face a reality that the person was toxic. I became emotional about places and things that no longer exist. I have come to understand that I considered those past places, etc. to be more a part of my identity than what I do and who I am in the present. That’s not good and it is not healthy. I look around and I see people, especially in Burbank, become very emotional in a negative way about change. If there is one thing I have learned, one fact that I share, it is this: Everything changes, nothing stays the same. By putting more value on what was rather than on what is and will be, we choose to fail. We fail ourselves; we fail our city; we fail our children and grandchildren and those who will follow. Yes, buildings are being torn down. Restaurants close, businesses move, priorities and habits change. There are those who think that clinging to those past priorities and habits are a good thing. It is not, it is being sentimental and it ignores the fact that everything changes. When we lose the ability to adapt or even the willingness to adapt, we lose any chance of helping to shape a future of Burbank that is as good as it can be. These emotional pleas to block change are the most destructive action one can take regarding the future of Burbank. Because what they are trying to do is completely prevent a vital and complex conversation about envisioning a 21st Century Burbank from taking place. So many have the point of view of “I got mine, I don’t care about others. I grew up and lived in the best possible world and will block progress to keep an illusion that this world is still here when in reality no longer exists. And I do this based on my sentimental stubbornness.” We hear this type of thinking over and over in Burbank in response to many issues we are facing today. The fact is, we are facing so many critical issues now because those who had power and control chose to ignore these issues for decades. They were not concerned about the future, only about preserving the past. As a result, we are now paying a steep price in many ways and on many levels. Having a younger City Council has helped push our local government into finally listening to concerns about issues that were long ignored, issues that are now exploding into view. This is not ageism; as someone in her 60’s, I want to hear from people in their 30’s and 40’s about the challenges they face living in Burbank. They are aware of technology and its complicated effects; they understand how lifestyles are changing; and they embrace change as the change they advocate is a result of their goals and vision of the future. Their definition of “quality of life”, something that City Council lists as a goal to preserve, needs to be part of this important discussion. Because they are the future of Burbank. I recently told a friend that legacies are overrated. People think a legacy is something you do that is remembered by the generations after you and that it is the closest they can get to immortality. “I want to leave a legacy!” they exclaim. Here is one reason why I say legacies are overrated. Out of all the companies I have worked for in my life, all the employers I have had, 95% of them no longer exist. They went out of business or were absorbed by another company. Everything that had been created was gone. How many people under the age of 60 have heard of Carter Hawley Hale? It was the largest retailer on the West Coast and the 6th largest in the country. But that was back in the 70’s and 80’s. By 1991, it was bankrupt and gone – “All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.” Why be maudlin about a mismanaged conglomerate? Because thousands of people devoted themselves for decades to its success. I was one of them. Until I realized that this was a company that was not going to survive. It was clear to me, a lowly Intimate Apparel manager in her 20’s. But not to those who ran the company. 

My grandfather was born before the end of the 19th century. I was born less than 20 years after the end of World War II and 6 years after the murder of Emmett Till. History is not the past. History is part of the present in who we are and how we live. It is there in every aspect of the lives we lead. History affects our lives in countless ways and we are in denial about it. And as a result, History is kicking our ass. My father was born in Brooklyn and was the son of a hat maker (a profession that barely exists today). Dad served in the Army (there was a draft, remember) and went to UCLA on the GI Bill so he went to college for free. He majored in Accounting, became a CPA and had a tremendously successful career. He grew up in a time where our country was determined to be prosperous (for white people, of course). As a result of the economic collapse that had happened in the 1920’s (which was his present, your History), there were strict banking and other regulations in place to ensure stability. There was a nationwide housing boom resulting in plentiful and inexpensive housing. There were massive investments in infrastructure such as highways, schools, and community growth. And, of course, free or very inexpensive college tuition A family could do well on one income – have a house, a car, and a permanent place in a community. My father was a brilliant man; he began his adult life at a time when this country created conditions for prosperity and stability that offered opportunities for him to excel and succeed. I grew up in a time, like him, where the conditions were there to enable my path. There was political turbulence – the Cold War, Vietnam War, Watergate, etc. But I was still able, right out of college, to find a cheap apartment in Tarzana that, with a roommate, I could afford while making a barely above minimum wage salary. I could fill my Datsun 210 with gas and not worry about making rent or affording food. Eventually I obtained a secretarial position (in those days they were not called assistants) and made enough as a secretary to afford my own apartment in Van Nuys. Not only was I always able to find a job, I was able to sort through all kinds of options. Most important, the economy offered me a way to eventually find a job that I was passionate about and would pay enough for me to buy a house here in Burbank. I did work my ass off to earn what I gained. But now, looking through the eyes of History, I realize how much my success was due to the economic and social circumstances that allowed my hard work to result in economic success. And I also see that this path no longer exists for those younger than me. These changed conditions mean a lack of opportunity for those who work just as hard, who are just as brilliant and want stability and prosperity as well. That void is at the heart of what is tearing this country apart. So many willfully ignore how History benefited them; the fact that during the time that they started and lived their lives, there were certain conditions and benefits that created opportunities and cleared paths. But they purposely work to eliminate and keep eliminating those same benefits for others. They insist these benefits and conditions are no longer necessary and, even worse, think that if these previous conditions that benefitted them are given to others, this will mean they lose. And they will fight to the death to keep those benefits from returning. They willfully ignore how History warns them how those battles always turn out. History will kick their asses but also the asses of millions more before the inevitable conclusion arrives. There is another very important way that we are ignoring History. I look around and it all seems so overwhelming. That’s on purpose. Did you learn in History Class about Yellow Journalism? It was created by William Randolph Hearst and his arch-rival, Joseph Pulitzer in the late 19th Century – around the time my grandfather was born. There is a horrific war in the Middle East right now. The powers that control this conflict want you to be on their side and not the other. They are in a battle for your heart and mind. Does that phrase sound familiar? It was said during the Vietnam War by President Lyndon Johnson about the people of Vietnam: “The ultimate victory will depend on the hearts and minds of the people who actually live out there”. (Hearts and Minds was also the name of an Academy Award winning documentary about the Vietnam War made in 1974. More History.) So when devastating and massive violence occurs – like the massacre of Israelis or the destruction of a hospital in Gaza – the sides on this war fight furiously to control the information you and I receive. Sometimes it is hard to know what is true and accurate. Sometimes we just have to wait for History to tell us what is true. (That’s why right now there is a massive assault on education and how and what History is taught. That battle is actually a battle to determine for us what we see as truth.) There is so much corruption, so many lies, all with the intent to damage and destroy our sense of stability and reality and connection. The horror, the inhumanity, the insanity, and the way it is being unleashed is not just meant as physical violence. It is intended to crush our spirits. Because if they can’t win our hearts and minds then they want to destroy them. That way these people can retain or gain power because they have taken away our ability to think and choose and resist. One way to

Last month as I turned 62 I decided it is time for some reflection. My life has always drastically changed every 10 years, sometimes by choice and sometimes not. Since I feel another major life change coming around the corner, it’s time to take a look around. In the past 30+ years I experienced several career changes, and while I loved my work, all my employers were crappy in how they treated me and others. I traveled, I stopped traveling to take care of my elderly parents, I witnessed both of my parents’ deaths. I retired after they died and just wanted to be able to 1) stop being forced to accept horrible people having power over me (and that applied to my family and personal relationships as well) and 2) stop having to force myself, for the first time in my life, to be someone other than who I am in order to deal with all of that. As I went through my 50’s I set goals and got a master’s degree and joined several nonprofit boards. I became an activist and realized that most people who joined “the resistance” were like those they condemned and all had agendas beyond what they stated. It was kind of like the end of the Hunger Games when Katniss realizes the new regime’s goal is to only take the place of the old regime. I still fight for change but not as part of any the numerous organizations that email me constantly claiming they alone will save democracy if only I send them money. Over the past twenty years I worked out with a personal trainer and did Pilates, cardio, weights, spin, kick boxing, regular boxing, yoga, ran 5Ks and did all kinds of things to deal with stress and stay in shape. This exercise did not allow me to overcome two major challenges to my health, both of which took years to figure out and diagnose. One was addressed successfully with medicine, the other with surgery. Now I walk and hike with my dogs and do some low impact You Tube videos to exercise. I actually have less pain and less stress on my body now that I am listening more and pushing less. I am being a lot gentler with myself these days in many ways. For the first time in my life, I am allowing myself to be lazy. I always enjoyed being productive and getting shit done. But now I feel the finite nature of time and interestingly, rather than feeling panicked about that, I understand I need to sit back now and feel the quiet. I want to sit in my backyard with a cool drink and watch my dogs sleep and look at the flowers and feel the breeze. I am disengaging from situations that do not allow me to feel the quiet and joy and satisfaction of what life can bring. For the first time, my calendar is not chock full and I get to pick and choose how I spend my time. So if you don’t see me around as much in the busy “Burbank” world, know that this is my choice and why that is. I will still be on the nonprofit Boards and run my nonprofit and care passionately about what happens in my city and to others and will speak out about all of that. I will always care because that is simply who I am and how I am wired. I have always been the pot stirrer. The same pattern always happens – the powers that be like my outspokenness because they can pretend that change happens because of me and they don’t have to take responsibility if it goes wrong. But then when things don’t go wrong and actually get better and they look bad, well, they don’t like the pot stirrer anymore. Does this mean I don’t want to keep giving back and making good things happen? Absolutely not, that is my passion and reason to be. But if you see me less around town, if I decline invites to events, it is because I want to enjoy the quiet, at least for a while. Because, as usual, I have no idea what is coming next. 7/10/23

I was an English Literature major in college because I love to read. My favorite authors to study were the 20th Century authors (of course when I went to college it was still the 20th Century). There were lots of writers whose works I studied and found amazing and challenging but none more than Thomas Pynchon. He is considered a unique writer in how he combines complex plots and themes about American society combined with over-the-top humor. My favorite of his novels is The Crying of Lot 49. The plot is about a woman named Oedipa Maas whose life is turned upside down when she is named as the executor of her ex-boyfriend’s estate. She discovers mysteries, conspiracies, and secret organizations similar to the Illuminati but instead run as private postal services. It all seems ridiculous and entertaining in the light of 1966 when it was written and in the late 70’s when I read it. But in many ways, it is not so ridiculous, especially now in 2023. We have millions of people who look for secret clues in the most mundane things and swear that hidden sources can reveal a diabolical evil. As a student, I was told to question whether Oedipa was seeing what was really there or if she had lost her sanity. It is almost as if the Q followers of today long to be Oedipa on her quest to reveal the trail of hidden countercultural societies and conspiracies to control all of us. But this theme of “reveal the truth about those in power” permeates our culture. Back in the 70’s we had lots of novels and movies about conspiracies – perhaps the real-life conspiracy of Watergate made the pretend more real. Now we have the fantasy movies about Kingsman: The Secret Service, the secret assassin world of John Wick and so on. These are worlds with societies that seem to exist on the same plane as us but that we cannot see, cannot experience, cannot be a part of. But we know these are fantasy worlds. The problem is that there is a growing number of people who are convinced that real secret worlds exist just like these fantasy ones. And those secret worlds are not populated by secret agents or super assassins but people who are threats to them personally. Because those who hold secret power must be the reason their lives are not what they feel they deserve. We have many systemic problems that are based on hate, racism, greed and very real economic and social victimization such as the school to prison pipeline. But what excuses do you use when you are taught that you are supposed to benefit from our social and economic systems and you feel you have not? There must be a reason why others have what you don’t have, there must be someone or something to blame for why your life is not what you want it to be. There must be someone to hate so you can avoid being responsible for your own life. Or maybe you are just bored and think these delusions will make your life exciting. The blame mutates into paranoia and turns into fearing those who are different from you. For all our history, we have been taught that the other is the enemy and must be “eradicated”, even when they are our neighbors and do us no harm. This paranoia and hatred have now gone into overdrive. With the flimsy excuse of “protecting children”, lives are being destroyed while these manipulators especially target the destruction of the lives of children. Those who profit from harvesting and reaping hate and fear keep changing their narratives to find more and more groups to blame for some evil universe that doesn’t exist. At least Oedipa Maas wasn’t ranting about pedophiles. And then we keep finding that those who do the most blaming and hating are the ones most often committing the crimes they accuse others of doing. Google “youth pastors molesting”. Are there powerful conspiracies out there that want to harm us? Sure, the Federalist Society comes to mind. These conspiring groups are the ones who have the power and want to ensure they keep the power and the money that comes with it. The harm and danger are not coming from the powerless. Remember, the motto of Google was “don’t be evil” until, well, that didn’t fit their agenda. I see the pain of my dear friends who are being targeted with their existence being demonized. They agonize and try to process their fear and anger and my heart breaks. Then I remember that as a Jew I am also a target in today’s United States. How do we stop this downward spiral? I heard today that 39 states now have anti-trans legislation pending. This has now evolved beyond paranoia into full blown fascism. Don’t look away. Don’t pretend this doesn’t involve you. Don’t deny what is clearly happening. The call is coming from inside the house. It is only when we all accept that this darkness is here and doing battle that we can fight it. Because we can only defeat the paranoia and hate if we unite as one. 3/7/23

There are lots of reasons why people become what we call “late bloomers” – we all have our own challenges to overcome to realize our true potential. Some barriers are financial, some are emotional, some are social and so on. And everyone defines “late” in different ways. I found this post by Ayesha A. Siddiqi named Advice: How Do I Make Up For My Lost Years to be powerful. The person seeking advice from Siddiqi laments having debilitating depression in their 20’s and now, in their 30’s and with the depression under control, they feel like so much time has been lost to them. What are our expectations for ourselves? What are the expectations that others have for us? My mother had a mindset similar to many in her generation and when I was in my 20’s she pushed me to find a husband and start a family. She was in a panic when I hit my late 20’s without doing either of these. I saw my 20’s as a time to explore the freedom I had just obtained as an adult. Once I did that and got to know myself through doing that, I understood that my mother’s expectations were not mine and my path would be drastically different. In my 20’s I had low paying 9-5 jobs that allowed me my evenings and weekends to enjoy being young in LA in the 1980’s and it was great. Once I hit 30, I decided that I should stop exploring and start to figure out what I wanted to do when I grew up. I would not have found a career that I loved if I hadn’t “wasted” the previous 10 years. I spent that time determining what I wanted. I then spent my 30’s establishing myself in a career I loved, climbing the company ladder, and deciding my ambitions. Lots of travel was involved – my territory at one point was San Luis Obispo down to San Diego and east to the Arizona border. I flew to the company headquarters monthly and this was all new to me and increased my confidence. There were people around me who started climbing this ladder in their 20’s. But I knew that I would not have been ready then to take on that challenge at that time. I needed to reach the point where I was ready to confront my insecurities rather than agonizing over them. But there were and still are moments I think if things had been different in my childhood, if I had been raised to have confidence and see an unlimited potential in myself, my life might have been easier or better. Siddiqi slaps that regret and second-guessing out of the way. Siddiqi has so many gems of wisdom in her post: “Things take the time they need and happen when they can. There’s nothing “late” or “early” about the timeline of your life unless you were given a call sheet at birth.” “We all would be different people in different circumstances. And it can be tempting to cope with difficult circumstances by mourning the people we would have been without them. But you cannot organize your days around regret. Despite the ways we’re shaped by trauma, we are more than just what trauma leaves behind … Stop looking for yourself in the past, you don’t live there anymore.” It is so easy to fall into the “woulda coulda shoulda” mindset. We can let a sense of loss for what might have been possible for us become so overwhelming that we lose sight of what we have today and the potential of tomorrow. “If there are ways to waste [time], surely regret is one of them. Not because we should live our lives in fear of it (which equally allows it to direct your life), but because it postpones acceptance. It pulls you away from the time you still have available.” She concludes with this statement, which is basically a way of saying what Cher’s character meant in Moonstruck when she did THIS: https://youtu.be/0x-fkSYDtUY (Loretta’s story is a great example of “making up for lost time”.) “The value you’re seeking to recover from your past exists in the life you’re living now. All you owe is continuing to take good care of yourself. And you owe it to the person who succeeded in the only thing they owed you—they survived.” I am proud of what I have accomplished and what I hope to still accomplish. But I still find myself thinking about the different paths that might have been open to me if I had been different in this way or that way. I suppose I will have to keep giving myself a Cher Slap. And that’s ok too. Siddiqi includes this video in her post and it is perfection. If you were a different person then you would not be you. Enjoy and appreciate who you are. https://youtu.be/95mttyEQyfw 2/25/23

I went a small women’s liberal arts college in Southern California. When I attended in the late 70’s and early 80’s, the student body consisted primarily of wealthy white young women who were not there to prepare for careers. They drove luxury cars and wore designer clothing and were there to meet other members of the elite. The college had a mocking reputation of granting an “Mrs.” degree, meaning most of the women were there to find an equally wealthy husband. Looking at many of my peers today, it is clear, whether they admitted it then or not, that was indeed what they were there for. Unlike most of the student body, I worked through my college years and bought my clothing at Army surplus and second-hand stores. I walked where I needed to go and stayed within my means. In return I got a fantastic education and my years in college prepared me for life in ways that I didn’t realize until years later. The professors were accomplished leaders in their fields. I certainly realize and appreciate the quality of the education I received. While I was there, I was not accepted into that elite world and that suited me just fine. My friends and I welcomed all fellow outcasts to join us at our table in the dining hall and hang out if they wanted to. There was one young woman I will call Jessie. She was overweight and didn’t shower much. She dressed, well, even worse than I did. She knew she was welcome to be with us and we provided a safe space. But I didn’t quite know what to make of her. While she was smart and creative, her communication skills were not good. The only topic she could only talk about was herself and she did so in a babbling way. Looking back, I now question if she was on the spectrum or if she had experienced major trauma already in her life that stunted her permanently. I didn’t know if she was on scholarship or was able to pay her way. We knew very little about her other than she had a big crush on Timothy Hutton and she was taking art classes. She really couldn’t engage in conversation beyond that. Jessie never reached out in friendship to any of us and being young we didn’t question why and just gave her the space she wanted. And since she was someone I couldn’t relate to, I didn’t pursue friendship either. Once we all graduated I never heard about her again. Until today. I read through the latest edition of the alumni magazine which has updates on life events including deaths. Listed in the Death section was Jessie who died last year. I looked her up on Google to see what had happened and how her life had been. All I could find was an obituary written by her family. There was no information about her life in that obituary other than a brief paragraph. Her family described her life as going to college, studying photography and graphic art, a lifelong reader, and during her last years, acting as caretaker for her elderly father. Nothing more. Her father survives her and is listed as living in the Midwest where Jessie passed away. She also had 5 siblings yet she alone took care of the father. What struck me was the final sentence: “Jessie will be buried in the family plot in Ojai”. I thought, what does that mean – is this a wealthy family? Why is the family plot in Ojai when none of the family lives in that area? Was she at my college because this is where that particular wealthy family sent family members? The obituary is on a page of a mortuary website where people can share their thoughts and memories. There are no posts – none from her siblings nor from the “numerous nieces and nephews” the obituary mentions. The mortuary produced a tribute book and not one person contributed a tribute. Today I think about Jessie and all of us who crossed paths with Jessie during that time in college. What world was she supposed to belong to, what world was she capable of living in and what world did she choose. Did her family expect her to be part of that world of the wealthy but she knew she never could or would be. I hope the silence on the tribute page doesn’t reflect how she was treated during her life. I wish I could know what world she chose to live in during these decades of her brief life. In the picture of her on the obituary she looks almost exactly the same as she did in college except for, you know, being 45 years older. She died young and I hope her life was filled with the joy she found through photography, graphic art and reading. Things that can be enjoyed fully whether or not you are wealthy. 1/30/23